Tuesday, April 4, 2017

First Night: Separation Anxiety is killing me softly!!! Date: April 1, 2017

No more cute pucca baby face and long legs in my bed!!!
No "kulitans" or giggles, funny faces and duets are heard in the 4 corners of my room.

If there is such thing as separation anxiety. I am feeling it right now. Last night, I wasn't able to sleep well. I slept almost 4am, my body remains active, maybe, my body clock remembers the same routine I had when I was working in  BPO or rather, I missed having her in my side. 

My whole system, actually, misses a little girl, who had been my room mate or perhaps my bed buddy for quite sometime. When, my mom still alive, this pucca baby remembers that my mom always embraces her and even sing her a song just to make her fall asleep. As years goes by, she managed to adapt it, but, I'm the one who replaced her position for giving all the affection and love to that little child. Everynight, I embraces her so tight while, singing her a song, " Tulog na ac, tulog na! tulog na ac kong mahal. Tulog na, bheibeiko ac". Its my own rendition of lullabye, instantly, she fell asleep.
As she grown to be a fine,playful and bright child, I acted like her second mom, eventhough, sometimes I lost my temper and patience, but, my love for her is everlasting and filled with sweetness especially, our bonding moments at night.

I hate the idea of being left behind. I always remember the grief and sadness when my mother passed away. And now, my pretty niece alessandria cassiel whom I treated like my own needs to transfer from another house with her mom and dad. I do understand my sister's decision. But, I just can't accept the fact that I can never see the lovely face of my little pucca baby girl. Well, that so called life, I've been single for 38 years, no child but I managed to see joy in every child I encountered in the mall, church or in the street, a simple smile brightens my day. I might never knew the reason, why I haven't had a child. But, I know theres a reason and time for everything. 

My separation anxiety is slowly creeping my system. I felt such a profound sadness. But, i know, soon, it will be over. I'll be in a normal pace mode, soon. All I need is to pray, that Ac will always be safe and people around her will truly love and care for her, more that I did. May they genuinely show kindness and affection to my  little pucca girl eventhough she's not related with their bloodline. Passive as it is. I prayed that even my sister is  stepping in another next level. May she truly act like a true mother to her child. No self-centeredness , pride and selfishness. May she truly understand her daughter's feelings and likes. May she learn to be a mother to my little baby pucca. As a reminder, the little pucca is still a child, don't forced her to much to be independent, she needs guidance, attention, time and more love. Don't passed the same rules or actions that our mom did to you. So, she won't kept any remorse in growing up like you did. 

Ask her what she really needs, respect her as she respected you, even, if you imprinted fear just to follow your commands. Guard her that no one can harm or makes her cry. If you can't be a good mother to take your responsibility. Give her to me and dad and I will take care of her, like our mother did. I don't need to hear any thank you coming from you for taking care of your child eversince, she was born because of your stubborness. All I need to hear from you, is that you will focus and devote your time to her. Stop snobbing all her needs, the ones that money can't buy. Time is passing by. She is quickly growing up. Time and unconditional love of a mother is the greatest gift you can give her. I might not be around to communicate with you or to her because, im stepping back a few yards,  but,still, ill be like a wind just listening and praying for your family. For now, I just need to wipe all my tears and be happy again, alone by myself. No need to say anything because I won't respond. Just be a mother to AC, thats all I ask from you. 

Author/Founder of Seraphimsnotes:
Natalie R. Tugade
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